nineforth.

live to the point of tears

I finished that first course (Personal Psychology 20), and I'm so damn proud of myself. I have to find the energy to get myself off my butt to go take it in to Calgary today. I can't even remember how to get there. Oh, well. I'll just ask Dad, I suppose. I think I'd much rather do all that business just after 12:00 noon, or something. Around 2, maybe. Yeah, I know they don't close right away or anything. Le sigh. Why am I so lazy right now? Because I woke up incredibly angry after realizing Clifford wasn't actually beside me. It was like I kept dreaming while I was awake and half-asleep at the same time, and I heard him reply to me damnit, and we were bitching about the beeping phone (that woke me up this morning) and it's damn repetitiveness. I need a cigarette. I'm so mad. I am so incredibly mad. I want to wake up next to him every morning, and the fact that it's just not goin' down like that right now makes me clench my tiny fists in anger. Not that I could hurt anything with them...

So, when I get home (at some point today) I will begin my General Psychology 20 course, and my brain will be full of all sorts of Psychological facts. It will be excellent. Oh, right, I must set up a time for my exam with them when I go in today. Oh, ADLC, why can't you just be next door to me?

I'm still so incredibly angry. I'm serious. I've never woken up this angry before in my entire existance or since I can remember. Holy crap. I'm almost shaking because I'm so angry.

Friday night was one awesome night. Erin, Justin, and I had such a blast and we all woke up together ready to laugh about the happenings. Such a fun night, and I'm glad it was so for Justin's birthday. Awesome, awesome.

Dad and I had a good conversation this morning, talking about relationships and the past. We're good at that, he had some funny stories about Mom to share with me. Hilarity. Oh, we miss her much. So much.

Erin's coming over today, and I can't wait. We're... oh, how I missed her. 2 weeks of not seeing her, I can't believe that. Not again, not again! She's mine! All mine. *hugs self*

Alright, so I'm down with this new haircut and so is everyone else (or so it seems). Erin's on her way over after I get home from the doctor's office (Flu shot, yes I'm there all of the time, it's probably becoming my second home), and then I'm going to use this new straightening iron on her. She's all excited to see what it will do for her hair. It's awesome. Seriously. I'm all about the hair.

Justin's 20th Birthday today! Happy Birthday Justin! Awesome stuff. We're (Erin and I) taking him out tonight and teaching him how to party Airdrie style. We're meeting up with a bunch of different people and we're wandering around two different bars. It'll be a blast. I'm just glad we can stay here at my house, that way no one will be waking up in strange places. Good things, good things. Erin and I will sleep in my bedroom, and Justin can either have the living room couch or he can sleep up in the guest room if he prefers a comfy bed. Oh, I'm so excited for tonight. I've saved all my energy for it. It's going to be a blast.

The other night at Lana's (a couple of hours before she turned 18 at midnight) Bram, Lana, Mark, and myself decided to do some 'pre-drinking' before we went to the bar at midnight so that Lana could walk in there legally. Oh, my. Bram and I were two drunken fools due to the fact that we had not eaten basically all day. We were big moron's and it was awesome. It's too bad the kid isn't 18 yet, he was a blast. Lana and I were so giggly and retarded, and just hilarious all around. I ended up going home before they went in to the bar. I sat in there, stuffed my face with Honey Garlic chicken wings, and then called my Dad and told him he had to come get me because I have to end the night. I was just gone, it was so ridiculous. I must admit, though, I don't think I've ever had that much fun making Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with my Dad
when I got home. Oh, that was fun. It was hilarious, and I had Honey Garlic sauce all over my face. Haha, oh dear. I felt like I was 5 years old. I had a good time, though. Woke up with a bit of a headache, hence my decided not to drink last night at Lana's 18th Birthday Bash at Cowboy's. I felt really bad about that, but I really couldn't do that to myself again. But tonight, tonight will be good. I'm full of food already, and I'm going to be healthy and ready for this all day. And this is my last night of partying for another week or two. I need to knock it off. I'm just glad I'm not doing it on my own, again. Ha, ugh. I'm actually going out with people and having a grand ole time. Good things, good things.

Alright, I'm out. I've got my dog sitting on my lap and my doctors appointment is in half an hour or so. I should go watch some television or something.

So, I got myself some new hair. Yeah, I kind of like it a lot. It's straighter (I'm buying the iron that did this for $280.00, but it'll be flippin' worth it), and it's funkier. It may not look like it's such in this photograph, but whatever. I'm down with it, and that's all that matters.

This weekend is going to be a blast. Well, Thursday and Friday are going to be a blast. Yes.

She was the best thing in my life, she was my crutch and best friend. She was absolutely everything. I can't stop thinking of the things we shouldn't have done and should have done, and I don't think I will ever trust my life in a emergency doctor's hands. I don't think I will ever trust anything that comes out of their boring mouths. They're there just to fulfill their hours, they're on a fantastic salary anyway. I can't help but wonder if they tried as hard as they could. I suppose this is the doubt my Father and I both have right now. We're both suffering horrendously and I can't stand admitting that. I want to say we're 'okay', but sometimes we are. And we seem to be doing very well, but deep down I know that we're suffering emmensely. He voices his pain to me, but I don't nessicarily voice my pain to anyone. I think this may the first time I've gone in to great detail afterwards.

"Please, someone, help me. I'm dying here in front of you." I made a confession to two people, and I might as well make it now for it is probably obvious:

I sometimes think about killing myself just to be with her.

I just want to be wrapped in her arms one more time. I just want to be with her; just want to see her. I just want to feel the warmth I always had when my Mother was in the room. I want her consolance, I want her guidance, I want her back. I want her here with my Father and I. I'd give anything to bring her back to us. Anything. My life. Of course, that is a great impossiblity. I can't help thinking about it, though. If I could just bring my Father's life back to him, his lover, his friend. If I could just bring all that happiness back to him and the both of them. If I could just bring it all back in to my life. The comfort of hearing her shuffle around upstairs in the morning, waking up to her next to me telling me I had to get ready to go to school or wherever we were going. The hilarity of her anger, and the wonderful things she did in our lives. I would give anything, anything, to have that back with us.

Yes, yes. I know. My Father and I have each other and we're to support each other. We are. We're doing incredibly well with that.

I've discovered, tonight, that I have an awful dependence (again) on something I wish it were not. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but (alas) I have. I'm trying to control it, but it's becoming hard under certain situations. I just don't know what else to do with my night, I suppose. And I just can't help but think about her, and what I miss, and what I wish, and what I want, and what I need, and what I would give anything to have back in my life. I just want her here. I just want to lay with her and hold her hand. I want to tell her I love her and hear a response, I want to have arguments and get in trouble from her for not cleaning my stupid room or leaving my bathroom light on. I just want to hear her voice, and her laugh, and I want to see her eyes shine when I do something nice for her. I want to interrupt hugs in between her and my Father just as I have done since I can remember. Running in between them and screaming, "What about me?!" and shoving myself in between the both of them and feeling the warmth of the love just flowing between all of us. I want to stand in the kitchen and ask her how her day went and make fun of her for her awful driving. "Still searching for your face in the crowd. I'll be waiting."

Why? I am young. I am only eighteen years old. I am without a motherly figure. The only person I feel I can run to for some sort of guidance that can me considered slightly related to what my Mother would say to me is my boyfriend's Mother. And I feel awful about it. I don't want to do that, so I don't. "Thank God for your strength."

"Waiting for me to exhale."

My boyfriend will be here in close to over a month, and I will be comfortable with absolutely everything. He's just the most amazing person I've ever met in recent years and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. I don't want to him to be put through all of this, but I can't help it. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want him to feel any sort of pressure because I depend on him so much. It's not that I depend on him, I depend on us. I depend on our love and our comfort with each other; I depend on the colours he's allowed me to see in this world, and the warmth I feel when I am with him. It's the closest I can get to what I used to feel, I've never been so comfortable with myself around another person other than my Mother. She was the one I talked to, she's the shoulder I cried on and vice versa.

I'm close to ready to getting up and going for a walk around the block to the Mac's store for more cigarettes, but I may just go upstairs and steal another from Dad. And I may just grab another beer while I'm up there. I have to stop this, and I want to, but obviously not enough if I've done it again. That's just what my boyfriend and my Father need. A girlfriend and a daughter that doesn't say 'no' to alcohol. Just fucking fantastic. I suppose I've learned to control it once before, and I could do it again, but I'm just not ready to do it right now. I have other things to do. School. Keeping the house clean. Keeping other people happy. Keeping myself on some sort of normal level during the day. Pretending I don't know what's wrong with me. Worrying continuously and wondering what could have been done. My fingers are already numb, but somehow I'm making perfect sense to myself. I am confessing, I suppose. I am confessing a lot more than I had intended. I just can't get her out of my head, and I don't want to. I want to keep her there forever. But right now it's just so hard. It's so hard coming to terms that I will never see her again. And it's so hard coming to terms that she won't be there during critical and gorgeous moments. It's hard coming to terms that she can't hear this music I am listening to, because I know that she would love it.

Maybe this angry music soothes me, maybe this soft music soothes me, maybe it all soothes me. But it provokes the hardest parts of my personality. It provokes the negative, it provokes the everything that I need to get out of me. But it's almost like it's helping me dwell it. Or I'm allowing myself to dwell in it. That's exactly it. I'm allowing myself. I'm making myself. I'm forcing myself.

"Morning in the confines of your room... by yourself."

I was sitting out on the patio, I was completely alone. I've never gone out there without feeling some sort of presence of some other force or being. Reasoning behind the song I wrote about "the patio chairs". Ghosts were conversing. But nothing was there. I was completely alone. I sat in the plastic chairs (they're doubled up on each other for the winter) and rested my discman, cigarettes, and drink on the table and I felt nothing. It made me feel awful. I tried to enjoy, but I couldn't. I used to love being alone, and I still do - but when I'm alone I do nothing but depress myself. I can't help it. I said I wouldn't do this, but I do it almost every night, every day, every morning, every afternoon. I try to occupy my mind for a while, and it works, but it always ends up coming back to me.

Drift off in to silence and just leave me for a while,
but leave the door open.
I can't stand it when you're not in sight.

I have to see, I want to see, I need to see.

I rest my face in my hands
and my elbow slides off the table
and I just don't care.
I could lay there for hours.
"Write a letter to yourself, without yourself."
I've done that.
I scared the shit out of myself.
I was terrified.
I wondered.
I asked.
I made suggestions.
I expected.
I didn't know.
The unkown is supposed to be beautiful.
And it is, sometimes.
But now, it's just aggrivating.
It's frightening.
It's terrifying.
It's awkward.
It's uncomforting.
I want to know.
I want to see.
I just want to see.

Maybe I shouldn't have written this. I may regret it in the morning, but whatever. I can't do anything about it now. Well, I could. But I don't intend to.
I want it out.
I want it out in the fucking open where everyone can see it for some reason.
I want someone to know that I'm having difficulities in solving these problems and coming to terms with what's happening around me and what has happened.

And Clifford, Bjork sings this perfectly for me: "One day, it will happen. One day, one day, it will all come true. One day, when you're ready. One day, one day, when you're up to it.

The atmosphere, will get lighter. And two suns ready, to shine just for you. I can feel it. I can feel it.

One day, it will happen. One day, one day, it will all make sense. One day, one day, you will blossom. One day, one day, when you're ready.

An aeroplane, will curve gracefully around the volcano with the eruption that never lets you down. I can feel it. I can feel it.

And the beautifullest, fireworks are burning in the sky just for you. I can feel it. I can feel it.

One day. One day."

Scott Dick's funeral was really, really good. It went so well. And there were so many people there. "Couldn't find a hall big enough." I am so happy I went. It really meant something to the boys and their parents. I don't think I'll ever forget that.

I don't understand why some people enjoy being read like an open book. The flaunting and the no strings attached. It doesn't bother me, because it's perfectly fine. I just don't understand it. So, I suppose I realize what he was saying to me now. Because I'm the same way. "Secrets are stories reserved for another day."

My ex-boyfriend's brother was killed in a car wreck on Monday night. I was caught in the traffic. I had a strange feeling about the whole thing, and I found out tonight that it was him. I feel awful. I feel sick to my stomach, actually. This boy, Scott Dick, was someone my Mom spent a lot of time on, and we all adored. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

Apparently Matt was on the news last night (according to my Dad). Matt's my ex-boyfriend. The service will be in Crossfield on Friday. We're going to have to find out what time somehow. We'll figure it out. I want to be there for Matt and the family. So badly.

I've completed a fair amount of work today on my Personal Psych. course. I'm quite proud of myself. It's all incredibly easy work. I just ended up doing the stupidest thing, though. They send these labels that are supposed to go on the assignment booklets. I ended up putting all of the General Psych. course labels on my assignment booklets instead of the Personal Psych. course labels. I am now going to have to send for more General Psych. labels. I am quite angry with myself for that. Oh, well. At least I still have the other labels and don't have to wait to drop anything off for marking. It all gets sent up to Barrhead, which is strange. I'm just going to drop it off at the ADLC centre in Calgary because they use an express that gets it up there by the end of the day. I'd rather have my marks posted on the internet sooner rather than later (snail mail, much longer waiting period).

I recieved a call on the way back home from 'my break' (just headed out for a coffee and wasted some time) from my Dad telling me he was in a car accident. So, that frightened me some. He's okay, though. Four car pile up, and the car's damaged, but he's okay and so is everyone else from what I understand. He's on his way home right now. Agh, that's just so creepy. I saw the most fatal accident I have ever seen, so far, the other day on the way in to Calgary to pick up Kyla. It was awful. So, my heart jumped with my Dad told me he was in an accident on the Deerfoot. Geez.

So, must make plans for dinner tonight. I had originally planned on making teriyaki chicken ceaser salad with garlic bread tonight, but I'm not sure if Dad's picking up the romaine lettuce and chicken on his way back home. I don't expect him to, he'll probably not want to cook. I can imagine he's a bit shaken up. It was going to be team effort on supper tonight. Ha, he feels bad because he hasn't really been helping out with the dinners. And he has, so I don't know what he's talking about. He made Kyla and I breakfast yesterday, and he made dinner last night. Anyhow, I'll figure that all out when he gets home, I suppose.

I'm really quite excited about Friday. I'm spending the night in Calgary, and Kyla and I are going to punk-rock ourselves up and go to a cheesy punk rock show and have a Corona night all at the same time. It'll be awesome. It'll be like the old days when it was all about the Multicultural Centre ("The Multi"). Oh, good times, good times. Plus I'm going to do some Christmas shopping. Clifford won't tell me what he wants, so I'll buy him something he probably won't like (but that's okay, he should have given me a clue). "I don't like recieving things." Psht. I'm your damn girlfriend, boy. I'm going to buy you something. I'm also going to treat myself to some clothing, for my Dad and I's venture into Calgary the other day for that very thing did not go so well at all. It was a rough day for both of us and we weren't really in the mood. And I don't want to wait for it all until Christmas Day. That's just no fun. Ha.

Man, oh man. I can't believe this day. It's been good and strange all at the same time. My friend got locked out of her house, so I had to drive her to her Mom's work. I was with her when she almost quit her job today, instead she took a week off. That was sort of amusing. At least she gets a break and still has the job.

I was gone on 'my break' for so long that my dog decided to leave presents in two different places. It's my fault, though. I didn't give him trouble for it. He'd been in the house for too long and well, he had to go. It happens. It's just never pretty. Ew. Gross. Chico's awesome, though. He's ugly, and fluffy, and he was bathed yesterday, and he likes to cuddle. Oh yeah, and I can't leave this one out: he looks like a sweater. I think this is long enough. I want to go upstairs and finish the writing I have to do about the cognitive language theory.

Why. Am I. Awake?

this can't be a journey to nowhere

Where does one find herself
when she is so lost?
She finds herself in her Mother's arms.
She finds herself in her Mother's words.
She finds herself in her Mother's eyes.

Where are my Mother's arms?
Why can't I hear her words?
Why have I been rejected the freedom
to look -
to look straight into her eyes,
and why have I been robbed?
Robbed of gazing into the Universe
that she created
for me.

This young girl fell off of her bike, she fell and everyone heard her scream. This girl became the center of a crowd. She could not see past the unfamiliar faces.
(I can't see.
I can't see her face.
Where is she?)
Face and knees bleeding, she pushed her way through the crowd of people leaving her once precious (but now meaningless) pink bike. The screen door opens with a loud creak. You know, it was her first time without training wheels. Climbing up on to the kitchen counter, she opens the cupboard door where the new box of bright blue band-aids were placed. Frustrated and heartbroken, she places the bandage crooked on her knee. She sits there and longs for that warm touch she remembered. Dangling her feet from the counter, suddenly the jump to the floor doesn't seem so far. She realizes she's no longer that young girl. She's eighteen years old and she's feeling so alone it's hard to comprehend. I am still that little girl, she says. Kicking and screaming, waiting for that familiar face.

Treading through mud
and wet grass,
I'm trying to make my way to her clouds.
I see her on the other side of this...
this field.
This enormous field.
I see her figure, and she's there.
Standing.
It's like I'm not moving at all.
Walking on a treadmill.
Unreachable destination.
I'm trying to pass forbidden ground.

My one step forward
always seems to take me
one step back.
I just want to find myself,
I just want to find myself in her eyes.

I watch my Father cry.
His lover.
He is torn in half.
And I can hear his heart bleeding for her.
I watch my Father cry.
I see him tremble with a yearning.
He's reaching so high,
so high that he has become so tired.
Muscles aching, eyes dry, and
two broken hearts.

If I had a second chance, I'd never leave her side.
If I had a second chance, I'd do it all over again.

I'm too young to be without her.
If I could just hold her hand, again.
If I could just play with her fingers, again.
A moment I'll never forget.
The most delicate fingers I have ever touched.

It would have been her birthday today, my Mother's. Dad's been down for the past week, yesterday was the worst, and today's slightly the same. We're just going to get out of the house and do things that she would have liked to do. We're going down to 17th Avenue in Calgary. Dad wants to buy some clothing for me for Christmas. That's the way it always works. We purchase awesome clothing (this is something my Mom and I would do) and then I can't even see them until Christmas Day, and my Mom would get a kick out of it every day since she bought them. Now it's Dad's turn. He's already bought me a pair of pants I can't have, and he's already getting a kick out of that. Haha, jerks.

Dad struck a deal with me yesterday. "I know your Mom used to strike deals with you, so - I'm going to start doing that." On Monday, I am going to the Calgary Distance Learning centre and I am starting my corrospondence school work straight away. "If you get your Grade 12 during this down time, I'll help you get to Toronto. It's a one time thing, and it all depends on you and your high school diploma." You know, this does a lot for me. I will still look for a job and such, I'm not going to sit around on my ass for the next 4 months and just bust out my school work everytime I'm ready for it. But, honestly, this has me knowing where to start. I was completely confused two days ago, and yesterday turned some of that around. I didn't know where to start, and now I do. This is tremendous, and unexpected. My Dad... is awesome.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Yes, hopefully there's a fun filled night before me. And Erin. Erin's come up with something fierce, she wasn't feeling too good earlier today. So, I hope she's doing alright now. Oh, I really, really do.

Kyle's a big moron and he didn't call me, but whatever. S'all up to him, I suppose.

I can't believe I cashed in $25.00 in pennies that accumulated over the past 18 years in a coffee can (my Mom used to throw her change in there every once in a while, and I raided it over the past eighteen years for the silver change - so, leaving none for now) today at the bank. I just can't believe it. Erin and I walked in there with a bag full of rolled pennies, and stood there like morons. It was wicked.

Alright, who didn't? Who didn't cross their fingers for me? Hmm?

Note to Self: Kick the walls of VHQ approx. 10 times before you ever go inside that place again.

Fuck. God damn. Stupid. Wanted job. Will try somewhere else. But for today... today is play day. Why? Because Erin's coming over and we're going to have some fuuuun.

Last night was fun. I went over to Justin's and we... well, we made each other dinner and then sat around. But it was awesome. See, there's days like that when you just need to be lazy with someone else. It's nice to have the company. I like Winter, it's such a comfortable season. You don't have to do much. It's nice.

But now, due to frustrations, I am going to go smoke a cigarette in disgust and add some more to Kat's letter. (I recieved her letter yesterday evening. Oh, I was happy-happy.)

I called VHQ about an hour ago asking them if that position had been filled yet. I seemed to recognize the voice, so I'm thinking it was the manager I was speaking to (whom interviewed me as well). Anyway, I am to call again tomorrow morning for an answer because he's quite confident he'll know who's got it and who doesn't by the end of the day. Let's hope I get the job. Why? 1. It's convenient and in town, I don't have to drive very far. 2. The hours are perfect in order for me to do distance learning at the same time. 3. I need a job and I need to start saving money, damn it. Cross your fingers for me.

The boys are playing a show tonight in Toronto at a big fancy place called "The Horseshoe". Clifford's excited because he'll be playing on the same stage that the Rolling Stones, Foo Fighters, Tragically Hip, Willie Nelson, Everclear, etc. played on. I was all excited because he also mentioned the Super Furry Animals on that list he sent me. They are fun. I like them. Anyhow, I hope the guys have a great time. I hope it all goes well. I hope it runs as fantastic as it sounds.

It's nice out today. A lot warmer. The sun's out. My dog didn't bark to come in 2 seconds after I let him out. He actually was out there for a while. I totally forgot about him, and he wasn't shivering when he came in. I think he was quite happy to be outside. I'll go outside later on, when it gets colder. Ha. That's usually how it works.

It was my niece's birthday yesterday. We all wandered over there in the piercing cold to attend a dinner and it was great. Her sister wasn't too pleased about not recieving anything, but her turn will be on December 15th. Ah, I love 'em. They're brats. And it's awesome.

I still need to wake the hell up. I've been awake for 5 hours. Actually, that's a lie, because I fell asleep for an hour in between all that while I was watching Amittyville 3-D. What a piece of crap movie.

I woke up at 3 AM just freaking out for no reason. Anxiety, maybe. But, I can't say it's happened like that before. And now it's just impossible to get back to sleep. I've taken a bath to see if that would calm me down, and it did a bit, but not entirely. My body's being weird. I'm not enjoying this one bit. I should try again. I've had a cigarette and it's made me very sleepy, but with my luck whatever's going on in my head will prevent me from succeeding in acting out on it.

Some Christmas shopping (very little) was completed yesterday. Along with the purchasing of my two nieces birthday gifts. That was about it. Dad and I relaxed for the rest of the evening. I fell asleep for many hours. Ugh, that's all I feel like doing these days: sleeping.

My dog's whining at me. I should probably go with him to see what he wants.