nineforth.

(music| "caring is creepy", the shins)
countdown: 11 days, 10 sleeps.

So, I have to head in to Calgary at 12:45 p.m. and drive to ADLC to take my Personal Psychology 20 Exam. Wish me luck, everyone. I'm sure I'll do fine on it, but I'll still need all the luck I can muster up. I need to find $1.50 so that I can do some more studying over coffee, I feel like getting out for a bit. After my exam, though, I am excited to see Kyla. I'm going to see her around 2:30 p.m. this afternoon. I'm allowing her to skip just this one class, because I want to see her again, badly.

My e-mail's not responding, and it's driving me insane. I want to know if I have any messages. I'm sure my brother will fix that when he gets home, or maybe it'll fix itself miraculously. That would be nice. My boyfriend's going GT'ing tonight, I believe. Hahaha, I think it's hilarious. What a dork, I love him.

Alright, off to find some change.

Hi. I am pouty because my Dad's not home yet. And my nose looks like Gigantor in this picture.

Wow, isn't that just damn exciting? Clifford doesn't like the fact that I have a westerner's views on our current government. He really, really doesn't. So, I must avoid (at all costs) having a conversation about Canadian Politics with the boy. It's not a good conversation to have, anyhow.

countdown: 13 days, 12 sleeps.

Oh, how exciting is that? I am quite excited. I had a strange dream last night, and I know it had to do with someone losing a limb and trying to put it back together. It'll come to me again later in the day, I avoid remembering gross dreams as soon as I wake up.

I can't believe my Dad is cross-country skiing right now. What the hell?

(music| "devil in jersey city", coheed and cambria)
countdown: 14 days, 13 sleeps

I'm recording a new disc for myself, and I am quite excited. I've already spoken with Clifford once tonight and I will speak to him again later on. It was much fun, and it will be more fun. That boy always makes me smile. I'm a lucky girl, I say.

Someone definitely succeeded with their good deed of the day. I didn't have enough money to pay for the new pen, the hair clips, and the bobby pins. So, I said get rid of the bobby pins. But this older man behind me said that he wanted to buy them for me (I was only a dollar something short, but still). He wouldn't accept my "No, it's fine, don't worry about it." He threw in the extra amount of money, wished me a Merry Christmas, and I thanked him about three times and then we both went on our way. I thought that was spectacular. I love people like that. I like Christmas, everyone's so damn nice to one another. Well, that's an over exaggeration and it's totally not true. But that's how I feel about everything tonight. I'm in a fantastic mood.

It was my niece's 4th birthday party today, and it was hilarious. It really was. It was a blast. I love those girls. Little kids totally rock my socks when they're all happy and dressed like princesses (minus the time I was incredibly high two years ago and witnessed a bunch of ballet dancers come running out of this hall, I've never been so scared in my life).

Alright, I shall continue on with my sitting on my butt and being content. I think I'll watch a movie or something.

(music| "girl inform me", the shins)
countdown: 16 days, 15 sleeps.
going smoke-free: day two, holy crap.

I've given myself a "rule", I suppose, for today. I must finish Assignment #4 (one more question left) and #5, otherwise I can't do anything tomorrow night. Seriously, if I don't feel as though I've accomplished something I'll feel like crap tomorrow night and will be such a downer on almost everything. I don't want to do that. I'm excited to spend the evening out tomorrow night. (I'm actually recieving an "allowance" now, at 18 years old, because my Dad wants me to keep working on my school work rather than getting a part-time job. I wonder how I'm going to have to explain that gap of unemployment. "Finishing High School because I'm a f*cking idiot.")

Ze cleaners are coming today, I'm going to have to hide in my room to do my school work. I just hope I don't get distracted. I always get distracted when I do school work at home. So, I'll leave the television off along with the stereo. Oh, I'm so responsible. But before I do any work on anything related to school I must clean my bedroom and bathroom. It's an absolute mess. I'm turning in to my Mother, I clean everything. Gah!

Tattoo = incredibly itchy. Not allowed to scratch it. I look like such a moron slapping my left shoulder blade with my right hand. It's the only way I can make the itchiness stop! Oh god, itchy.

countdown: 17 days, 16 sleeps.
going smoke-free: day 1, again.

I've been fairly lazy today. I called the government of Canada in order to ask a couple of questions about some form I have to fill out. That was frustrating. Every time I think of the government offices I think of undergraduated 17 year olds answering the telephone, because... from what I've seen, that's what it's all about. Yargh. The insanity. She was so difficult. I was ready to hang up on her.

Clifford called me earlier, again just to ask how I was. Oh, I love that. I love it. It's so awesome. It totally makes my day.

Going out for dinner tonight, and I believe I must give Kyla a call to see what she's up to for a couple of hours. I did tell her I would try to visit her this Wednesday, and that day has come. Dad wants to go out for dinner first, though. He's playing darts tonight. I kind of hope a "certain person" (Erin knows who I'm talking about) doesn't show up early, because I don't nessicarily want this person patting my head and asking me to roll up his sleeve for him. My Dad and I become incredibly embarassed and want to cry when he talks to me. Ick. Oh, gross. Absolutely disgusting. I just want to eat my dinner in peace. Seems like Dad and I are going fairly early this time, though, so I'm thinking no one will be there. He's supposed to play another guy before the game starts tonight, because the other guy was too sick to show up last week for the singles. Anyway, that's all riff-raff and nonsense. No more about that. Fact is, I'm going out for dinner tonight, and I'm excited about it because I quite like their chicken-burgers.

Hey, does anyone want to buy my BlackLabel skateboard for $75? I bought it for $120, and I used it maybe 9 times. Anyone? Any takers? Oh, nevermind. Someone already hit the buzzer.

I haven't eaten anything yet today. Damn, and it's already afternoon. I woke up around 9:00 (as per usual). Ah, I like it when he calls me just to see how I am. That was awesome.

It's my brother's birthday today, I believe we're going over there around 6pm for dinner tonight. Yeah, I'm kind of bored and I don't know what to do right now. Maybe I should go eat. Yeah, that would be a good idea. I'm a little more than hungry. (I have it on 1 post per page right now because... I just do. I'm waiting for something to go away.)

I feel like crap. I feel like I'm being driven further and further into the ground, and no one is helping me up. And then there's everything else, and all the sadness and negativity that I want to rid of. But it's not up to me, is it? No, it's not. Oh, I'm just so tired. I'm just so tired of trying to talk when I don't know what to say. And I'm just so tired of waiting for the point when I think they're actually listening. And I'm just so tired, and my eyes are dry.

Dad's reading on the couch. You have no idea how strange that is. It's rare that my Dad reads. I don't know, it kind of creeps me out. Ha, well I hope it's a good book. I sort of wish he would go upstairs so I could fall asleep on the couch or something while watching a movie. I need to have a nap for half an hour or so, I just need to stop... being awake right now.

Maybe she'll come down,
   maybe just for a visit.
Maybe I'll make her some tea,
   maybe this is just a dream.
Maybe she's still upstairs,
   maybe none of it happened.
Maybe nobody had to cry,
   maybe her arms are around us.
Maybe her slippers are still there,
   maybe she never left at all.
Maybe I could hear her laugh,
   maybe I'll wake up.
Maybe this is just a nightmare,
   maybe they're cooking upstairs.
Maybe she'll answer the phone soon,
   maybe she'll pick me up from school.
Maybe she's in the shower,
   maybe she's just getting ready.
Maybe we'll sit as three again,
   maybe I'll treat her to dinner.
Maybe I haven't gone home yet,
   maybe I'm just terrified.
Maybe she's waiting up for me,
   maybe, just like she used to.
Maybe she's writing poems,
   maybe she's just having a bad day.
Maybe if we had just made another choice,
   maybe she wouldn't be gone.
Maybe she's just hiding,
   maybe it's just a game.

Mom? Where are you?

Mom? I feel like I'm wandering dark hallways.
   I don't know where you've gone to.
Mom? I'm scared, Dad cries sometimes
   while we're waiting.
Mom? Are you out? There's no lights on,
   I think I'm lost.
Mom? I feel like we're playing hide-'n-seek
   in a morbid shopping mall.
Mom? I hate the word 'maybe',
   why can't you just be here?
Mom? Why don't you wake me up in the
   mornings anymore, and why can't I
   hear you upstairs?
Mom? Where are you? I miss you.
   Please, I don't want to play this game
   anymore.

Mom?

Dad and I spent most of the day at a publishing party. A woman who he has worked with for a couple of years ended up publishing a book recently. It's called BE by "Corinthia Waters". It's actually written by two people, under a false name. It's pretty cool, actually. It's all about mental health and everything, I'll probably end up reading it after I'm finished The Fuck-Up. I have a lot of school work to tend to, and I would like to do that tonight. I probably will. I have a new pen, and it's pretty, so I want to use it.

Clifford and the boys are playing a show tonight with Motion City Soundtrack. I hope that goes well for them. Clifford was all stressing out because he needs to study for his exams, but I believe he will have a fantastic time. You'll have to let me know how it went, guys.

Anyway:
So, it's been done again.

If you want to view the full-size images that I took (w320, h260), you can view them here: tattoo1.jpg, tattoo2.jpg.

Erin and I drove over to Smiling Buddha around 11:00 in the morning and ended up there around 11:30 and came to join in with quite a few other people waiting to get in for the 'first-come-first-serve' deal. Anyhow, Erin and I ended up getting our tattoo's today rather than on January 20th next year. They're awesome and I will take a picture of it tomorrow when it's not all bloody and gross and insane. Indeed. And now Erin and I are just trying to find out what to do with ourselves tonight (not including alcohol, not including copious amounts of money, and lesser cigarettes than usual), we keep falling asleep on the couch. We're watching something ridiculous with my Dad. Oh, dear. My Dad has been so cranky today, and it's been quite the riot. I thought it was hilarious, but it did suck. He's allowed to be cranky today, he hasn't been cranky in quite some time. He can have this cranky day. My hands are so itchy.

Off I go.

Erin and I are currently pigging out on spaghetti. We have already eaten: 1. Grillled Cheese Sandwiches 2. Fried Egg Sandwiches with HP sauce. Oh my god, those were good. And now we're on our third course at 4 o' clock in the god damn morning. That's right. That's it. You got. We drunk. We fun. We kiss. On Camera. We hug. We love. I love Clifford. I talked about him all night. Erin disappeared with Bedard. And I missed her. And other people. And then all of a sudden KYLE MOORE IS A MORON! Oh my god! The insanity! But that's not really all of a sudden, he's always been a moron. He's always been a pervert. He's always been a slut. He's always been a fucking try hard. He's always... been... a loser.


I can't believe how many people I said this to: "I love my boyfriend. Go away."

Well, I was officially a non-smoker for 3 hours today. I will try again in a couple of days. God, I'm pathetic. Clifford's right, the addiction controls me. Good gravy, that was sad. Anyway, I will quit. I am determined.

(music| "delivery", compulsion)
countdown: 22 days, 21 sleeps.
the heather stops the nicotinism: day one

Yes, that's right. I have decided to quit smoking, again. I'm going to make this attempt now for three reasons. 1. I promised myself I would quit sometime, what better time than now? 2. I promised my Mother I would quit, what better time than now? 3. I told Clifford I would quit before he came here, so that's my promise to him as well. So, young man, if I find out that you've been smoking at all before you get here, you're getting a boot in the arse. (Look at that, I'm already getting snarky.)

My Dad tripped over something in my room this morning, I suppose that means I should pick a few things up and tidy the room up, huh? I guess I'll do that today.

Asiignment #4 must be completed at some point today. I would like to shower, but I am incredibly lazy, so I don't think I'll be straightening my hair. It looks absolutely freezing outside, so I think I'll refrain from going anywhere to complete my school work. I'll just stay at home where there's no temptations (capability of asking someone for a cigarette).

My Costco trip with my Aunt went very well, I got a lot of shopping completed for Christmas Day. We're having an open house, so I needed a bunch of things for it. And soon I will have to go back and order platters. I can't believe I'm actually setting all of this up, this open house. I feel like such a wife.

(mood| confused, awake)
countdown: 23 days, 22 sleeps.

My dog is currently annoying the hell out of me because he wants a treat, and he's not getting one. My Dad spoils this little guy way too much, and he's going to get too fat and die or something from it. He's seriously a brat with this whole treat thing, ask Erin. If my Dad comes home and gives him a cookie as soon as he gets in the door, the dog will then ignore my Dad and whine at me for one. Immediately after he recieved the other one. And he will also refuse treats if he wants something else. He's, seriously, an all out spoiled little piece of ... dog. "Don't look at me like that, Chico."

So, I woke up at 8:30. Decided I was going to stay up for the hour until my doctors appointment. I fell asleep. I woke up at 9:27, 3 minutes until my appointment. I threw on a t-shirt and some pants, sprayed body mist all over the place and scrambled to find my deodorant, brushed my teeth, grabbed the car keys and my shot thingy (didn't even grab a jacket and it's effing freezing outside), and drove my lazy butt around the corner to the doctors office. Okay, I was basically rushed in and out, I could tell you nothing about what was said, I was half asleep and way too confused. All I know is was that one freakin' huge needle with a thick end. Holy damn. Wooo-ee. That sure wakes you up. I got back in the car and sort of sat there and then decided to look at my arm. Compared to the last time, the entrance of the needle left a nice little red dot (dried blood which I will go wash off in a few minutes) about a millimetre in diametre. Yeah, that's definitely something nice to wake up to in the morning. Bam! What the fuck? Thank you, Heather, take care! (Doctor rushes out of room.) What? What? The hell... Okay.

That was my morning. And now I must shower and get ready for my "lunch appointment" with my Aunt Kathleen and my Dad. Chico, shut up. I'll take you for a fucking "car ride".

(music| "aspirins and alcohol", last days of april)
countdown: 24 days

This time I'm going by Clifford and Erin's "day" calculations because I always have the same argument with Clifford before he comes here and I had it the other day in the garage with Erin as well. So just to please their happy little minds, I'll go by their calculations. But really, it's 23 sleeps. So, bite me.

I woke up fairly late, I looked over at the clock and then noticed it was after 11 o' clock. I saw my cellphone flashing red and green at me, Clifford text messaged me allowing me to know that he is so sick that he can barely move. I really hope he gets better soon. Nothing sucks more than the Flu when it comes to seasonal viruses. Of course, my boyfriend likes to use the big and technical word for the Flu, "Influenza". Too hilarious. I love the boy so much. Get better!

What's the plan for today? I do know that I have to get that 3rd assignment finished, and I also know that it's snowing like stupidity outside. Oh, maybe not so much anymore, but it was 10 minutes ago. It was all over the place, it was ridiculous. Since when does it snow? It's been so nice and kind of warm around these parts lately, and then it just goes and snows. I shake my fist.

(music| "soldier girl", the polyphonic spree)

I have an alarm setting on my cell phone, and I have it set for 9:00 in the morning "daily". Erin told me to put it on this certain ring for the alarm. It is seriously the most annoying sound in the world and it wakes me up almost immediately. You basically wake up wondering if the world's coming to an end. It's such a strange noise. Good gravy.

I totally turned this into a livejournal layout for my own webpage. That's wicked. I'm awesome.

I don't believe there's any plans for today. Lana wants me to go to Lady's night at Cowboy's tomorrow night, I believe, and I would go (and not drink) but I have to wake up early on Thursday and be in Calgary at my Dad's store around noon for lunch with Dad, and then at 1:00 PM my Aunt Kath and I are going to Costco do a bunch of shopping for whatever the hell I'm supposed to get. I have no idea. But it prevents me from going out the night before. It's probably for the best. I promised somebody I would stop going out so often.

I've had a somewhat interesting day for myself. I completed my good deed of the day (I bought my Dad a really nice card and a double picture frame and put my favourite picture of my Mother and myself in one side, and his favourite picture of her and him together in the other side). I finished my second General Psychology 20 assignment. I recieved my assignments from the previous course I took in the mail today with all my grading and everything. Overall I recieved an 81% grade on all of the assignments, and now I must sign up for my final exam. I am excited. I'm quite proud of myself, actually. As I should be. I made some New Year's/Clifford and I's 1st anniversary plans, and I am also excited for that. Those plans causing my Father to blush and need another shot of Scotch. Quite a funny story, but I need not publish the story on the internet.

I wrote a lot in this new journal I bought. I'm always filling old journals and buying new ones. It's insane. It really is. Sometimes I have more than one going at a time so that I have a variety of different journals to grab a pen and just start jotting anything down in. Ha, I'm a mega-nerd. It's awesome.

I wrote a lot about her today, and it felt good.